give you me

give you me

For years we were friends, your girlfriends did not like me and I felt the same about them. It was me you snuck over to talk to late at night,and all we ever did was talk- but I knew that even if you had been w/ one of them, it was me you chose to be with before you went home to sleep. then we had our chance together- but I had just been burned and I thought you were just having a summer fling. Although we had dates and time together that was comfortable and fun, our one night together (which is not something I do or did even in my youth) I did because for me it was true making love. I let myself go and chose to give you me, even if you did not feel the same depth of feelings that I did.
Then, just as I was packed and ready to head back to college, you stopped over with the most beautiful roses, and told me that you cared for me- more than a fling. I was shocked and scared- and I disappeared. Flash forward 25 years, and a simple, hey, do you remember me email thru classmates.com (which I only put my profile on looking for you), and here we are almost a year later. You are married, and as you told me in our first few exchanges, you think she is the one. At the time I read that, I was happy for you, after all we were friends just catching up and our friendship seemed so easly to fall back into.
Today where am I? I find that I can’t wait to see your emails in my inbox, we have shared that we both have alternated looking for each other for the past 15 years or more, and once you let me know you had feelings for me now, I am lost. As a friend, I should support your marriage and I should be happy for you. As someone who is struggling w/ her feelings toward you- I am finding it painful. I wish we could just see each other, spend a little time together, to see if what appears to be happening is real- or is it the safety of memories and distance that has moved our email communications in the direction they seem to be taking recently.
Maybe once you see me in person, not just picture, you will change your mind, and we can discuss this mess, laugh about it and move forward in our lives and continue the friendship w/o these complications. You say you have never even considered this before, and that is a part of the person that I am falling for- so why would I want to change that part of you? I should not want you to change that very important-and rare- part of who you are.
D, I am struggling with this falling sensation, I am feeling guilty to the innocent people who don’t know they are involved in this mess. I am sorry for sending that first email, the consequences of that decision have far exceeded anything I expected. What I’d give for some peace of mind now

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